Will it work this time?

As I set off on my newest shot ant weight loss, I question if it will work this time.  What's so different this time around?  I think I figured it out.  It's not that I'm super motivated.  In fact, I'm dreaming of chips and hot fudge sundaes right now.  It's just that I've finally found a way to love myself fat.  It may sound so dumb, but it has taken an awful lot to get here.  My entire life has been spent in moments of quiet depression because of my looks.  I grew up with a mother that, in spite of her undying love for me, passed on her low self-esteem problems to me.  She spent much of her life switching between bulimia and anorexia and didn't hide it from us.  She never condoned it, but me and my sisters knew.  Hearing "I'm so fat" all of the time from her and watching her cry after a shopping trip really effected me.    I think it REALLY hit me that I was fat when I was 10 years old.  My aunt came into town one summer and bought all of us new bathing suits.  My mom made us all try them on and I was so excited...until I put it on.  It was SUPPOSED to fit and it DIDN'T!  I wouldn't come out of the bedroom and couldn't stop crying because I was too fat for my swimsuit.  I finally came out in my clothes, pulled my mom aside and told her about what happened.  Her response was "I understand" and she let it go.  There was no "honey, you're beautiful and you have nothing to be embarrassed about" or any sort of comfort, just confirmation and dismissal.  My mother is not a horrible woman.  She just handled a delicate situation completely wrong.  Unfortunately, this was the stepping stone for the rest of my life.   No matter how much weight I lost, I saw a fat girl in the mirror.  No amount of compliments mattered because I KNEW what a fatty I was.  About 6 months ago, I saw some photos of me before I got pregnant and I was so skinny!  When I took those pictures, I was convinced I was fat and ugly.  I realized that no matter how much I diet and diet and diet and I'd never be proud of my accomplishments because something was wrong in my head.  I needed to fix something.  I started shopping for clothes that fit my "now" body instead of my "someday" body.  I started calling myself pretty out loud in the mornings.  I started counting all of the ways I did well in my life.  What really made a difference was thinking of my daughter, Aurelia.  She's 17 months old now and will soon understand what mommy says.  I don't ever want her to hear me call myself fat. I don't ever want her to see me cry because my clothes don't fit right. I don't ever want her to see herself negatively when she's the most beautiful girl in the world.  I don't want her to go through what I went through when I have the power to help her.  it sounds corny, but it's true.  I could never wish on a child what I went through.  It was so painful.    If you're going through the same thing, pick yourself up.  You are beautiful and amazing regardless of what anyone has said to you in the past.  You are worth all of the happiness in the world.  Let's get healthy together.  I'm going to spend the rest of my life happy, but I want to have more time to do it.

Crystal